not being able to contact him after such  a tramatic event made me feel

powerless. 

amazing how finally getting a simple text/call put my heart

at ease. 

Sometimes you make me feel like you truly know me & see me , & other times i just feel like you think you know it all, which makes you just see straight through me. Like you don’t take into account the depth of the statement that you are saying to me or my opinion. The control is not in your court. & when people start thinking or feeling that way that’s when they lose all ounce of control or power they were granted in the first place… 

we share a giant room with three beds in it. Don’t get me wrong they’re cool, do their own thing, don’t touch my shit or annoy me but i miss having my own private space. Thank God our last week living here is next week. Definitely gonna miss Boone 2nd Hall. All my girls lives in the same hall as me. Oh how freshman year has gone by so fast.

Canon EOS Rebel T1i DSLR. <3 I want one so bad. & it takes amazing photos & it’s not too outrageously priced. Now i just got to save up for it *sigh* i should atleast have it by May.

FUNNY how i upgraded & got the T2i instead (;

Well, this spring break has been quite uneventful. My epic 2012 plans flopped so ive basically been back in Atlanta. Yes, ive gone out with people, went to the movies, went out to eat & shopped butttt i really wanted to go to the beach. & I miss my college loves. Anyways, i have just been told amazing news. So you know the Olympics is this year? Yes. Do you know where it is? No, well its in London England. So apparently my parents want to go. & I have family in London. So i DEFINITELY pray we go. I have older cousins that will make sure I have a good time. All i know is this better happen. I am willing to have sacrificed my spring break for a trip out the country.

you’ve turned me into a mushy gushy butterflies in my tummy type of person. you know how in movies like Love & Basketball, when the boy & the girl are in his dorm room & they bond like they’re the only two people left on the planet? that’s how i feel when i’m with you. We vibed on a certain level so quickly. Remember the first time I chilled with you & we both had a nerd moment of enthusiasm of how we both liked Raisin Brand Crunch? its quite rare to find people our age that enjoys it. i love that i can be myself around you & not put up a front. Act like a loser & honestly not give a flying fuck. i never want to lose these laughs, moments & emotions. & quite frankly i never want to lose you.

It kind of randomly came to me a few days ago. In cursive: “life is yours, now live it.” Commands are powerful statements. So why not get a personal statement, that I honestly cant see myself regretting? I want to get it somewhere no one can see it unless i want them to. probably on the lower left side of my tummy. So people will basically only see it when im at the beach or pool. I’ve always said i wanted a tattoo but have been kind of chicken to get one but I plan on getting mine hopefully during spring break this year, we shall see. what do you think of the tattoo idea though?

when i get on here i see, photos, quotes & gifs of love. Love that i want so bad. In reality, love isn’t all chocolate covered strawberries, kisses and roses. It’s ignored texts, disappointed glances, misunderstandings and broken hearts. Sometimes I wish you wouldn’t fill my head & imagination full of the images of ideal love. Mainly because its hard to find and I’m scared I’ll never find it. I always guard my heart & rarely let boys in to get to know the real me. & the real me is a fuck up. I fuck stuff up sometimes and I just want to find a guy that will accept me with all my flaws mistakes & failures. A guy that wouldn’t abandon me because i’m not perfect. Is that too much to ask? Well sadly in my land of reality, it is. As of now, im alone again. Mentally beating myself up for opening up my heart and letting myself fall in love again. When I’m in love, I’m vulnerable & I hate the idea of knowing that a guy has the power to influence my emotions so greatly. Basically, thinking about that person all day & feeling like an idiot knowing that they probably barely thinking of you…Basically feeling unwanted. If i had the choice to put my hand in a box and pull out any trait that i wanted, it would probably be to be able to express myself better. Just so I could say the correct things and not be mistaken or ruin relationships.. Love is just way too complicated. Ironically, it can really suck but yet it feels so good..

So its currently 4am & I am UP. mainly because I have 2 exams Friday in Chemistry and Old Testament. I have been obsessively studying this entire week and I have the fear that I still wont do well…ughh trust me I’m that type of person that can magically somehow do that. Sucks doesn’t it but hopefully I reap what I sow and get the A that I deserve. Well at least an A for effort. Anyways mid-study time, I got on Facebook and one of my random “friends” shared a video of a boy BEASTING at the electric violin. Yes, electric. I am currently in love with what is transferring for my ear phones to my ears. Makes me kind of wish I didn’t quit the violin in 3rd grade. His youtube name is violin2003 and he is amazing. He basically takes modern day music and mystically redoes it in a genius Mozart, Bach, classic shit type of way. For some reason I feel so calm/energetic while listening to it, even though its 4am and im frickin tired. Luckily for me I have no class today or I’d be screwed.

What you did drastically altered the course of our relationship. You publicly disrespected me & basically gave my friends, acquaintances & strangers the green light on telling me how I should handle MY own personal relationship. I’m sick of people telling me what I need or should do. Yes I respect some of their opinions but in the end its my life. Why did you do what you did? Honestly, you just saying that you weren’t thinking at the moment doesn’t take away the embarrassment & pain I felt at that moment. I actually want to be with you but because of the dumb mistake that was made I can’t be around you or even really speak to you. I wish you had thought about the repercussions of your actions on our relationship because now we’re both suffering because of it. The situation was already fragile to begin with & you basically shattered it.